guilt

So this summer I decided to audition for a local volunteer orchestra. I had heard it was the best one in the valley and their concert season this year is packed with fun music to play. I needed a reason to practice and knowing I'd be playing an audition, even if it was just for a silly community orchestra, was good motivation. I totally rocked it at the audition. It felt so good. I was so proud of myself! My hard work had really paid off. Getting one shot to play 8 or so different pieces in a row is not easy.

Then I found out they rehearse every Tuesday night. Yikes. I looked at Brian's work calendar and he happens to work a fair amount of Tuesday evenings, especially this fall. I've been going to the rehearsals anyway. We have 3 more rehearsals and then the first concert and I'm going to need to hire babysitters for 3 of those times. As I was sitting there last night listening to the violins sound like they were playing Psycho (and we weren't playing Psycho) I just felt like this is NOT worth it. I think the conductor is good but some of the players are just.....not very good. It seems like the goal of the rehearsals is that we won't fall apart during the concert. From hearing it was the best volunteer orchestra, I had too high of expectations. While I do appreciate the opportunity to play a Mahler symphony, the experience of playing with this group isn't what I was hoping for. The 3 hour rehearsals feel like a big sacrifice and I find I do a lot of sitting and not playing while I'm there. Knowing that next week I'll be sitting there while paying a babysitter (assuming I can find one who can sit that late on a school night!) just seems like the final straw. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate it. I enjoy getting out of the house to play my horn. I've enjoyed meeting new people. I enjoy about the first hour and half of rehearsal. If it were not an every week commitment or if I never needed to hire a babysitter, I would totally keep doing it.

Alas, I feel I should resign after this first concert but it makes me feel conflicted. Will I regret it? Will I feel like I am missing out on the opportunity to perform great music (even if it doesn't sound great, as a whole)? I am not the quitting type and I feel like I would be letting the other horn players and conductor down. What should I say to them when I tell them? It feels like a break up, "This isn't working out for me." Yes, that's true I just used you as opportunity to prove to myself that I could play a good audition and to perform a Mahler symphony and now I'm done.

Have you ever chosen to quit something? I need to toss this guilt! I'm sure it won't be as bad as I'm thinking it will be once I tell them....